Something I don’t tell most people.

I rarely tell anyone this. Frankly I don’t know why I’m putting it out in the public. I’ve suffered from clinical depression since a kid. I remember when I was 5 years old, hearing a train and wishing I was in front of it so it’d run me over. I’ve attempted suicide twice. Once an overdose that gave me kidney failure. Next I shot myself in the head. It’s been a while since I’ve been actively suicidal.

I’m great at pretending to be happy. I used to talk about my feelings. When I was 19 a girlfriend said to me “it’s hard to be around you when you’re always sad”. That’s when I learned to convince the world I’m happy. But still.. it’s never “how happy are you” it’s “are you sad enough to need hospitalization”.

And still, every morning when I wake up I’m sad I’m alive.