Author: twoshadesoff

One came up on my porch and stared at me. I stared back. It thought it was “fierce”. Came at me. So I popped it in the ass with my BB gun. It ran away like demons from hell were chasing it. 0% of that was true.

She doesn’t get enough credit. We used to live next to each other in an apartment complex. I’d be walking my dog — his name was hades — and I’d see through her window that she wasn’t eating. She couldn’t afford enough food for my first two godchildren and her so she’d go hungry. She…

I was around 18 years old. Cocky as hell. She was an ex working at the same place. I was bragging about my “silver tongue”. I told her I could make her cry in one sentence. She didn’t believe me so she said “go for it”. For the record, I ain’t proud of this. I…

I played the saxophone all through middle and high school. Allot of kids would leave their instruments in the band room. I always carried my sax with me from home to school and back home. Never left it in the band storage area like allot did. Glad I didn’t. My band director “Mr. Broughton”… pretty…

We just elected a president who was impeached before. For you who don’t know, being impeached is like being charged for a crime and you’re only kicked out of office if you’re convicted. New York convicted him on their own charges but he’s appealing. DC … somehow he escaped those charges. There are still charges…

The reason people don’t accept your requests to send us notifications is because you barely send us notifications we care about but instead spam us with marketing shit. Knock it off or I’ll egg your house. Sincerely, Mr. Go To Hell

I was paying my own rent, and paying yours, and paying your utilities, and buying your groceries. After all that I was basically broke every month. 90% of my money went to you every month. The day you got a job that payed a decent wage, you tossed me to the curb. I can’t help…

I kind of miss it. Except for the police, everyone was friendly and treated me like family. Most Mexicans treat strangers like family, instead of enemies the way allot of Americans do. You can’t bash me for that opinion until you go there yourself. The end.

George Clooney wanted to be on the show South Park so bad he took a role as the dog. His only lines were barking. I think that’s awesome.

I’m about inch short of disowning someone. Not you Maggie.